Drinking is great. Watching football is great, people know this so they watch football and drink at the same time. However why not add a little focus to this delicious mix with my Manchester United EPL match drinking guide. I use guide and not game as game implies a winner and a loser, as we all know drinking games cannot have a loser at least in sense of being drunk which is the ultimate goal. One may say the losers are dignity, common sense and society but that’s not really the issue is it. As always a drinking guide like this exists not only to get you drunk but to demonstrate the creator’s knowledge of the source material so remember this when reading and think to yourself that Peter really knows his United, or alternately, he’s insane.
I break the guidelines into three categories; on pitch action/behaviour, words of wisdom from the commentary team and camera shots.
Aslo, I break the drink sizes into four catergories, each of which represent the size of drink that the corresponding United player would take.
Small drink = Nani
Medium drink = Carrick
Large drink = Rooney
Chug/finish your drink = Royston P. Keane
---On the Pitch---
Rio picks out a good pass – Nani
Evra wears gloves (done at start of game) – Carrick
All corner kicks – Nani
Vidic dives subtlety to stifle an opposition counter-attack – Carrick
Opponent gives Ronaldo a piece of his mind – Carrick
Brown flies into a challenge – Carrick (Ball is won = Rooney)
Anderson shoots into row Z – Carrick
Ronaldo celebrates arrogantly – Carrick
Berbatov looks depressed - Carrick
Rooney tracks back on defence – Carrick
Tevez pulls out a pacifier/has something written on his undershirt - Rooney
Park coolly maintains United possession – Nani
Opposition scores – Rooney
Giggs is fouled and picks the ball up before the whistle – KEANO
Harewood scores - KEANO
Nani does a flip – KEANO
Gary Neville scores – KEANO
Anderson shits on Fabregas – KEANO
---Commentary---
United’s last minute heroics remarked upon – Nani
Rio Ferdinand’s defending is described as calm or assured – Nani
We're told not to forget that Ronaldo is good in the air – Carrick
The opponent’s organization is praised – Carrick
The opponent's midfield is called "packed" or "they have packed" the midfield - Carrick
A free-kick is said to be in Ronaldo territory – Carrick
A free-kick is said to be in what was Beckham territory - Rooney
Opposition player/manager is revealed as a United fan – Rooney
Player’s recent international exploits are highlighted – Carrick
The versatility of O’Shea is stated - Carrick
The last time a team beat United is stated – Nani
Rooney’s mistakes are defended with mention of all around play – Carrick
Ronaldo is described as going down “theatrically” or “dramtically” – Nani
Mention of “that night in Barcelona” – Rooney
Derek Rae says “staunch rearguard action” and it seems gay – Carrick
Derek Rae states all five names of a referee – Carrick
Berbatov is called any one of; laconic, languid, lackadaisical - Nani
Harewood’s finishing is seen as clinical – KEANO
Ronaldo is praised for sportsmanship – KEANO
Gary Neville is not called dependable – KEANO
A free-kick is said to be in Ronaldo territory and what was Beckham territory – KEANO
David Pleat involved - Just drink a lot as nonsense is in store
David Pleat mentions a player from a year before 1970 - Carrick
Anderson is said to have shit on Fabregas - KEANO
---Camera Shots---
Sir Alex is seen chewing gum – Nani
The Sikh guys who sit near the benches at Old Trafford are in the shot – Carrick
Berbatov is walking slowly with his head down – Carrick
United players not on the bench – Carrick
Ronaldo/Rio are one of them – KEANO (You must, as things have gone to shit)
Ronaldo reaction to not being passed the ball – Carrick
Manager scouting the game – Carrick – Capello – Smoke a cigarette
British celebrity that you don’t know is shown – Rooney
British celebrity that you do know – KEANO
Subs warming up – Nani
Harewood on bench – Nani
Semi-gay hugs without shirts on post-game – Nani
A kiss is involved – Rooney
Ronaldo in tears - I'll be crying, KEANO as well, as again things have gone to shit
Roy Keane is shown – KEANO (I don’t care if it’s Sunderland, drink your drink)
Bobby Charlton is shown – KEANO (Show some respect)
Anderson slow motion shit on Fabregas - KEANO
So that’s it, it’s certainly not complete but like Samuel Jackson beer, IT'LL GET YOU DRUNK! Feel free to add to it or create your own for your team, for example:
Frank Lampard is carried by the other ten Chelsea players yet gets all the credit – Impossible. Would be drinking constantly and unable to breathe.
Katrina Bowden is no Frank Lampard.
I break the guidelines into three categories; on pitch action/behaviour, words of wisdom from the commentary team and camera shots.
Aslo, I break the drink sizes into four catergories, each of which represent the size of drink that the corresponding United player would take.
Small drink = Nani
Medium drink = Carrick
Large drink = Rooney
Chug/finish your drink = Royston P. Keane
---On the Pitch---
Rio picks out a good pass – Nani
Evra wears gloves (done at start of game) – Carrick
All corner kicks – Nani
Vidic dives subtlety to stifle an opposition counter-attack – Carrick
Opponent gives Ronaldo a piece of his mind – Carrick
Brown flies into a challenge – Carrick (Ball is won = Rooney)
Anderson shoots into row Z – Carrick
Ronaldo celebrates arrogantly – Carrick
Berbatov looks depressed - Carrick
Rooney tracks back on defence – Carrick
Tevez pulls out a pacifier/has something written on his undershirt - Rooney
Park coolly maintains United possession – Nani
Opposition scores – Rooney
Giggs is fouled and picks the ball up before the whistle – KEANO
Harewood scores - KEANO
Nani does a flip – KEANO
Gary Neville scores – KEANO
Anderson shits on Fabregas – KEANO
---Commentary---
United’s last minute heroics remarked upon – Nani
Rio Ferdinand’s defending is described as calm or assured – Nani
We're told not to forget that Ronaldo is good in the air – Carrick
The opponent’s organization is praised – Carrick
The opponent's midfield is called "packed" or "they have packed" the midfield - Carrick
A free-kick is said to be in Ronaldo territory – Carrick
A free-kick is said to be in what was Beckham territory - Rooney
Opposition player/manager is revealed as a United fan – Rooney
Player’s recent international exploits are highlighted – Carrick
The versatility of O’Shea is stated - Carrick
The last time a team beat United is stated – Nani
Rooney’s mistakes are defended with mention of all around play – Carrick
Ronaldo is described as going down “theatrically” or “dramtically” – Nani
Mention of “that night in Barcelona” – Rooney
Derek Rae says “staunch rearguard action” and it seems gay – Carrick
Derek Rae states all five names of a referee – Carrick
Berbatov is called any one of; laconic, languid, lackadaisical - Nani
Harewood’s finishing is seen as clinical – KEANO
Ronaldo is praised for sportsmanship – KEANO
Gary Neville is not called dependable – KEANO
A free-kick is said to be in Ronaldo territory and what was Beckham territory – KEANO
David Pleat involved - Just drink a lot as nonsense is in store
David Pleat mentions a player from a year before 1970 - Carrick
Anderson is said to have shit on Fabregas - KEANO
---Camera Shots---
Sir Alex is seen chewing gum – Nani
The Sikh guys who sit near the benches at Old Trafford are in the shot – Carrick
Berbatov is walking slowly with his head down – Carrick
United players not on the bench – Carrick
Ronaldo/Rio are one of them – KEANO (You must, as things have gone to shit)
Ronaldo reaction to not being passed the ball – Carrick
Manager scouting the game – Carrick – Capello – Smoke a cigarette
British celebrity that you don’t know is shown – Rooney
British celebrity that you do know – KEANO
Subs warming up – Nani
Harewood on bench – Nani
Semi-gay hugs without shirts on post-game – Nani
A kiss is involved – Rooney
Ronaldo in tears - I'll be crying, KEANO as well, as again things have gone to shit
Roy Keane is shown – KEANO (I don’t care if it’s Sunderland, drink your drink)
Bobby Charlton is shown – KEANO (Show some respect)
Anderson slow motion shit on Fabregas - KEANO
So that’s it, it’s certainly not complete but like Samuel Jackson beer, IT'LL GET YOU DRUNK! Feel free to add to it or create your own for your team, for example:
Frank Lampard is carried by the other ten Chelsea players yet gets all the credit – Impossible. Would be drinking constantly and unable to breathe.
Katrina Bowden is no Frank Lampard.
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